While walking on the beach today in complete silence with my husband I was looking down at all the shells trying to find one with “meaning.” Everything now has to
have a meaning. Ladybugs, butterflies, clouds, even shells. I thought of my sweet friend Tovi who looks for hearts everywhere, and finds them everywhere, so I was looking pretty hard for a sign from Lindsay. I didn’t find a shell or a cloud but there was a very fast paced bird, with long legs walking directly in front of us for a bit, if we walked faster it walked faster. Lindsay never walked WITH us always in front of us. I smiled and thought well, there she is. If you look you shall find.
How are you? What a question. Such an easy way to start a conversation, but there are times when you just need NOT ask. I cannot speak for Lindsay’s parents, I can only speak for myself. How am I? The easiest way I can explain it is how I felt when I was walking on the beach…anxious, confused, and tired. I NEEDED to see a sign, I NEEDED to feel Lindsay. So I was looking SO HARD, every minute that passed brought me disappointment. It was all I could think about. I wasn’t enjoying the sun, the beautiful sky or all the amazing shells on the beach because for right now they just don’t even exist. I have that feeling you get when you know you’re forgetting something. I have that feeling in my belly when you have to do something you hate doing. I feel like I am in slow motion and the rest of the world is on normal time. I feel sad. I feel weird. I feel like something is missing. I still have not truly wrapped my head around it, and I honestly wonder if I ever will. That’s how I am.
My husband is very down to earth, his thought process is so much more simple than mine. As we were driving home he said, I was looking for a sign from her today on the beach and I realized I didn’t need one because I was walking in one of her favorite places, so that made me feel close to her. He used to HATE walking on the beach…I have a feeling we are going to spend more time there.
Little things make us happy, or as happy as we can be, for the moment and that is how we are living right now … moment to moment. We are hanging in and doing the best we can, that’s how we are.
The Market is this week and although I know it won’t be easy, I am looking forward to it. It’s a busy time and it will keep me occupied and it makes me happy. I get to see all you amazing people and I also get to laugh (and work) with my tribe. Smile, hug me, even tell me how sorry you are…but please, don’t ask me how I am.
I want to thank you for all the kind words about my writing, it is what has kept me going, in actuality all y’all (yep,this Yankee just used that in a sentence!) are my very inexpensive therapists…thank you for that. I look forward to seeing you this coming weekend.
Have a good night,